Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Nineteen

“Unlucky in Love”

I sit on the edge of my bed with the letter from Michael on my lap. I have read it so many times now the paper is soft from my constant touch; folding and unfolding it. I scan the words yet again though I have it memorized; I hope to see something I missed before. I push play again on my CD player. “I’m unlucky in love they tell me I’m unlucky in love they say, oh but things are gonna change.”  As the first words float through the speakers I read his letter again….


My beautiful angel. I know how much you love music especially new artists and definitely your growing love for David McSparron. When I heard this song Unlucky I knew you would maybe understand why I am doing what I am doing. Listen to the words. You have no idea what you have done to me these past few weeks.  You’re such an amazing woman! You are beautiful, smart and funny. You are everything that I want and everything I need. But things are complicated for me. I never meant for you to fall for me or in love with me.  You deserve better than what I can give you. Like the song says I am unlucky in love. I wish I could change that right now but I can’t. I want so badly for you to understand how much you have changed me. I will never forget you and maybe someday I can explain it to you and you won’t hate me. I know you may consider me a coward or that I am running away but just listen to Unlucky and think of me.

Yours always,


I feel the tears slide down my cheeks and splatter onto the page. It is a haunting sound I realize. I flop back against the pillow and put my arm over my eyes as the tears continue to flow silently down and land softly on the pillow. Rolling onto my side I crush the letter to my chest. I look at the empty pillow next to me running my hand over the surface and close my eyes trying to remember every detail of our last encounter. His smell, his touch, his smile…….

I can tell something is wrong when he comes over. He seems agitated and his blue eyes look almost gray.  He stands there looking at me like he wants to shake me or kiss me it is hard to tell which one at the moment. “Why? Why Annie? You don’t really love me you only think you do.” I shake my head as the tears come. I hate that I am crying again over a man.  But this one is different so different that I can’t even explain it to myself. “Normally when someone tells you they love you, they don’t react this way. They say at the very least thank you or I don’t know I love you too. What the hell is going on Michael?”

He comes close to me and I step back for some reason. “Annie.” He grabs my face with both of his hands and pulls me to him kissing me softly as though we have never kissed before. His tongue is exploring my mouth as his hands slide deeper into my hair.  One hand gently pulls my hair while the other hand slides down my back. My arms are wrapped tightly around him I don’t want to let go. I feel like it may very well be the last time I am near him so I want to be lost in him completely. My hands slide down to the small of his back and I can feel his muscles underneath his t-shirt, tight and hard. I am overcome with desire for him and my kisses become more urgent. I pull at his shirt tugging it out of his jeans. Quickly I pull his shirt up over his head, locking lips with him once more.

He responds by tearing at my leggings and I hear the distinct rip as he tugs them down my thighs. Our hands are groping and grabbing and soon enough we are both naked, breathing heavy. The look in his eyes is one of urgency. It is almost animalistic and I feel it too.  I want to bite and scratch and attack him on every level. He pushes me back to the wall and grabs my arms pinning them to the wall. I don’t even know how to feel right now but it doesn’t matter at this moment.  The only thing that matters is touching and tasting, our bodies moving as one.

I groan loudly. “I want to touch you Michael. Please.” He smiles at me and shakes his head.  He has my arms pinned at the wrist with one hand and the other hand is touching me as though he is trying to memorize every part of my body. He is rough, he is gentle, as his fingers explore every part of me, making me cry out with pleasure as he sends me over the edge over and over again. My body is in overdrive now. I try to pull my arms free but he has a tight grip on my wrists. I can feel the wall bite into my skin as I try to free myself. It hurts but it feels so good too. “Please Michael. I need you now.” This comes out as a growl as I so want to pounce on him.

Suddenly he pulls me to him and lifts me up, automatically I wrap my legs around him. I can feel him against me and I move to get closer but he stops me. I try again to slide down onto him but he stops me again. I kiss him deeply as he slams himself into me making me gasp. We move as one and I have no idea how we are managing to stay upright at the moment. My eyes are closed and my head is thrown back, my back arching to meet his thrusts. My hands are gripping his shoulders and I am lost in him, his touch, his smell, his essence. Forgotten is the look of hurt and anger and maybe even fear I saw on his face when he stepped inside my bedroom.

I feel as though I am falling and realize he has moved us to the bed. He moves me up on the bed and crawls up so that he is over me. I reach up to pull him to me in desperation I can’t get enough of him. “Slow Annie, slow.” I fall back on the bed and close my eyes and try to control myself. He lowers himself down so that we are completely skin to skin now. I can feel him between my legs ready to go. “Tell me you love me Annie.  Open your beautiful eyes and look at me. I want to see you, hear you, feel you.” As he slides inside me I whisper, “I love you Michael. I do.” Tears come again but I choose not to acknowledge that. In this moment we are one. As we lay all tangled up; limbs and sheets, my head rests on his chest over his wolf tattoo, his heart beating in my ear. The knife that pierces the heart on his chest feels like it is mine as if he is wearing my pain right over his heart. I am so sleepy but I try to fight it as I am afraid that if I fall asleep he won’t be there when I wake up. “Annie, are you awake?” I nod my head slowly. “Mmmmmmm.” I feel his lips on my forehead as he kisses me. His fingers are playing with my hair and I get drowsier. As I am on the edge of sleep I hear him whisper very softly, “I love you Annie.”

A knock on the door drags me viciously back to the present. “Annie?” Sara opens the door, sees me on the bed with the letter in my hand dried tears staining my face and gives me that smile. It says that no matter how long I have trapped myself in my room or cried myself to sleep or screamed in anger she will still be my friend and listen to my heartache.  She will tell me that it will be ok and pick me back up and set me straight. Gently she takes the letter from me, folds it up and puts it on the nightstand. She lies down on the bed next to me so we are face to face our noses almost touching. “Honey I know your heart is breaking right now. I see you struggling to try to understand why but it’s not in that letter. I promise you that.”

I can feel the ugly cry coming, the one where your whole face scrunches up and your eyes swell up and your nose gets red.  I feel her arms around me as she pulls me close to her, hugging me tightly while I continue to cry for what feels like the millionth time. When my crying is only sniffles she gets up and pulls me up with her so that we are sitting with our legs crossed, knee to knee. “It has been three weeks Annie.  You need to get back to being you. Please. I miss my best friend.” I nod and wipe my eyes and nose with the bottom my shirt. “So I want you to get up, wash your face, and for god’s sake brush your teeth and shave your very hairy legs because we are going out tonight!” She holds up her hand before I can even protest. “I am not taking no for an answer. I’m gonna get you good and shitfaced tonight. Forget Michael; forget all the ones who have broken your heart. It is time to start breaking some hearts of your own.”  I find myself giggling because I know she will drag me out one way or the other. She is already in my closet pulling out clothes for me to wear.  I slide off the bed and walk to the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror I see a person I haven’t seen in a long time. My eyes are super green right now and bloodshot. I splash cold water on my face and feel my sadness turn to anger. I gave Michael my heart and he chose to stomp on it but right now in this moment I refuse to be sad any more.  Sara is standing in the doorway. “There’s my girl. I can see it in your eyes.  Use that energy to burn up the dance floor girl! Tom has already agreed to be our DD for the night so it is on like Donkey Kong! Now repeat after me; Fuck him, fucking Fucker!” She hands me a shot glass and we tap them together and throw back our shots. I smile as the liquid slides down into my belly. Fuck him. I have shed the last tear I will ever cry for him. I love him but I will not let my heart be broken again.



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