Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Twenty-four


 

“Slow Hands”

I am standing at the edge of a cliff; my feet skid slightly on the rocks as I watch a few small pebbles tumble over the side. My heart is pounding in my ears making my head feel stuffed with the noise of my beats thump thump, thumpthumpthump. Thump. My breath is coming in jagged pulls as my lungs try to suck in every bit of air as if it’s going to be my last. The wind is tugging at me trying to pull me over the edge into the nothingness. I look down and see that I am only wearing my lacy black panties and a light blue tank top.

The desire to jump is so strong I feel myself leaning forward into it. I look around and see nothing but the dark grey clouds, boiling and rolling over each other as if in anger, sweeping past me so fast I feel like I’m on fast forward. There are a few trees jutting out from the edge of the cliff at odd angles as though they are defying gravity. Suddenly I am overcome by the need, the absolute need, to jump. I bend my knees slightly, inhale deeply and launch myself out into the void. My arms spread out as if I have wings, my whole body tense as I soar through the air like a bullet.

The air is screaming in my ears as I fall, simultaneously pushing and pulling, trying to save me while driving me down faster and faster. I am desperately trying to breathe and at first I can’t seem to remember how to do it. Then, as if a faucet is turned on full blast, I remember how and gulp the air greedily. It is sweet. It smells like coffee. Hazelnut coffee to be exact. Why does the air smell like coffee? I blink and shake my head. The cloud is whispering in my ear tickling, making me giggle. I want to keep falling but I am being pulled up slowly then more quickly as my name is whispered again and again. “Annie.” I moan softly and try to turn away from the sound. “Annie, wake up.”

And just like that I feel myself fall into being awake. I blink for a moment not sure where I am. As my eyes focus, I see Ray smiling down at me. He leans down and gives me a soft sweet kiss that makes me tingle everywhere. “Good morning beautiful. That must have been some dream you were having. I called your name for two minutes before you even started to stir.” He has a large cup of coffee, steam swirling off the top and sets it down on the night stand. I smile up at him and touch his arm. I want to make sure I’m not still dreaming. “Good morning handsome. I had the craziest dream. I almost didn’t want to wake up from it.”

It’s been a couple of months since the girl’s night out and the dance club. We have been together since then. Not sure what to call it really but I am trying not to over think it and just enjoy each moment. I usually drive to him as it is easier because of his hours and for the most part I don’t mind. The drive down always helps me clear my head. Michael has become a distant memory now and it doesn’t hurt quite so much when I think about him. I told Sara I threw away his letter but I hid it in my underwear drawer. I only read it occasionally and each time it gets easier. It is a test for me. I must move on, I know this. Ray makes me happy and it scares the shit out of me honestly. I don’t want to get hurt again. He seems to be into me but I still have my guard up. High alert I suppose. I have gotten good at hiding my fear.

I rub my eyes and yawn giving him a lopsided grin. He always looks so damn sexy in the morning. I start to feel tingly. Ray gives me that look, the one that gets me every time. He is wearing dark blue boxer briefs and I just want to touch him everywhere. He pulls the covers back until I am completely exposed to him. The only thing standing between us is my light blue tank top and lacy black panties. He slowly climbs onto the bed and straddles me making sure that he doesn’t put all his weight on me. I reach up and touch his chest. The heat rising from him sends electricity through my fingertips. Grabbing my hands, he kisses my palms and pushes my arms up over my head. Slow hands make their way to my tank top and slide it up exposing me. The cold air hits and immediately my nipples are rock hard. His hands are warm as they explore every part of my body. His lips brush across my belly making my stomach tight and my insides flutter.

A moan escapes and I arch my back in respond to his touch. Fingertips slip under the top of my lacy panties and he slides them to my ankles planting soft, wet kisses on my stomach and thighs as he slips them off my feet. I try to pull him up to me. I feel the need to kiss him, to feel him on me, in me now. I tug at his boxer briefs and Ray pushes me back down and I sink into the pillow. “I have no plans on stopping any time soon so just relax babe, let me take my time.” I lose myself in his kisses, his hands, the way he makes my body feel.

There is an animalistic nature to the way he is touching me as if he marking me with his scent somehow. When I can’t contain myself any longer I slide down and pull him up to me. I wrap my legs around him so that we are skin to skin. I can feel his muscles tighten as his body reacts to my touch. My hands grab onto his shoulders as he slides into me. I feel like I am flying again. I can feel his mouth on my ear, his breathe hot against my neck. My heart is beating like a drum in my ears and I feel like I am falling. I let it take me over the edge again and again. Right now, I am not afraid. I feel wanted and desired. I let that feeling take me back down into my dreams. I feel Ray kiss my forehead and pull the covers back over me tucking me in.

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Twenty-Three


“Girl’s Night”

“Wait, wait. Are you kidding me? Please say you’re kidding me.” Sara is looking at me with disbelief while I sip on my drink trying not to laugh. I smile and say, “So are you mad that we didn’t have sex or that he made a point of telling me that we weren’t going to have sex?” Sara starts her retort but I am saved by Katy who walks up and slides into the booth next to me. I give her a smirk and say, “girl you have perfect timing.” Katy waves for our waiter and looks from me to Sara and back again. “Ok what’d I miss?”

I met Katy during my very embarrassing trip to Vegas where she saved me from making a complete fool of myself, well almost. We’ve been great friends ever since. She is total firecracker with light red hair, green eyes and an infectious smile. Tonight she is wearing 4 inch heels on her short 5’0” frame and tight jeans that show off her luscious curves and a low cut top that gives just a peek of her ample chest. I lean down and look at her shoes. “Umm first things first, I thought you were banned from ever wearing heels again after our last outing.”

She flips me and Sara the middle finger and growls, “fuck you” under her breath. “That was one time! Fuck you weren’t supposed to remember that. Ok so it was several times that night and to be fair they were new shoes.” We are laughing at her and she throws her lemon at me. “Fuckers”. Did I mention she has a potty mouth? “What are you bitches talking about?” The waiter brings us a round of shots which gives me a little time to stall. “Annie was just telling me about how her second date with Patrick ended with them in the shower where he told her he was not going to have sex with her. And she stayed in the shower!” I lick the fleshy part of my thumb and shake some salt on it. “Just because there wasn’t penetration doesn’t mean that we didn’t have sex.” I give them both the stink eye and shoot my tequila back. As I am sucking on my lemon Maria walks up.

“Hola!” She grabs the last shot on the tray and shoots it down and then slides in next to Sara. “Who isn’t having sex? I could hear you chicas from the bar.” I look around and thankfully there are not too many people in the bar area yet. “No one is having sex with Annie at the moment. And not for a lacking of trying.” Sara passes Maria a lemon and introduces herself and Katy. “Si! Annie has told me so much about you both. Ahora vayamos a los detalles! I want to know everything.” She is larger than life and Sara and Katy seem to be as enamored with her as much as I was when I first met her.

“Sara seems to think the best way to get over Michael is to sleep with every guy I meet. I can’t help that I still think about him from time to time. I miss him. Even if he smashed my heart into pieces.” I wave the waiter over so I don’t get him stuck in my head again. Fuck. Every time I think I am over him I get sucked back in again by some stupid memory. I order another round of shots. “For the record Annie, I don’t want you to sleep with every guy you date just anyone who will get that asshole out of your head!” Sara gives me that smile that I know so well. That tough love look.

I start telling the girls over drinks what happened with Patrick during our last date. “Leading me into the shower he washed the paint off me going slowly over every inch and then took baby oil splashing my whole body making me very slippery. He kept telling me he wanted to explore every part of me. We kissed under the shower the hot water running down between us. I was getting pretty worked up and I asked perhaps demanded that we take it to the next level. That is when he told me that he wasn’t going to have sex with me. Said he wanted to make it special that I was special to him. I have to admit I had to keep from snorting laughter cause all I was thinking was I want to be bent over and….oops sorry TMI I know.” Maria who has been sitting quietly pipes up now. “Oh Dios Mio!! Chica I am so glad you didn’t fall for that mierda! He is always so full of shit. That man gets more ass than a toilet seat.”

Sara smiles, “Maria I think I love you!” Maria winks, “girl I would rock your world.” The blush starts at Sara’s chest and goes all the way up to the top of her head. For the first time Sara is speechless. Katy looks at Maria. “You’re a lesbian? I mean shit of course you’re a lesbian you’re freakin gorgeous!” Of course the waiter decides at that moment to make his appearance and he has a shit eating grin on his face. We all bust out laughing. “Whatever you’re thinking just stop because this is not a porno dude, this is real life.” Katy is smiling while she says this but I swear the look on his face told us he had a whole scene laid out in his head.

The drinks are flowing throughout dinner and I finally admit to myself that I can’t hold it in and I will have to break the seal. I stand up and Katy volunteers to come with me. “After all we know what happens to you when you are unsupervised in a bar bathroom.” Sara and Maria are too busy talking about their significant others to even notice us leaving. ‘You know I never really said thank you for that night but seriously thank you for saving me from doing something stupid.” We’re in the bathroom waiting our turn and Katy looks at me. “This is going to sound weird but did all that blue paint freak you out?” My mouth curves into a smile and I wiggle my eyebrows. “All I kept thinking was oh shit I am going to turn into Smurfette and that kept me on edge. For as smooth as Patrick was I am glad we didn’t doing anything hard core. Dang that sounds bad.” Katy gives me a lopsided grin, “nope not at all. Guys can have sex with lots of women and everyone thinks they are the shit but if a girl has lots of sex she’s a slut. It’s that stupid double standard. I say fuck that. You have sex with whoever you want and whenever you want.” We bust out laughing and head back to the table.

After dinner we walk down the block to this local bar where Maria knows the owner. The place is packed and the music is pumping. I immediately hit the dance floor where I get lost in the music. I can feel it pulsing through my body and I close my eyes and dive down into the beats. The girls join me after a few minutes and we are all dancing together and laughing like fools. For the moment Michael is far from my thoughts. Suddenly the spotlight shines on me. I look toward the DJ booth and see the bouncer waving me up. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I walk toward the booth. I get that familiar pull in my belly. I immediately start smiling when I see that gorgeous smile that belongs to my favorite Taiwanese/Sicilian DJ. We don’t speak for a moment. He grabs me and pulls me in tightly against him and leans in close whispering in my ear. It sends chills down my back and leaves my panties moist. It’s going to be a good night.

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Twenty-Two


“My Body is Your Canvas”

As I knock on the studio door and wait for Patrick to answer I have to pinch myself.  I can’t believe I am here! I am excited for whatever his creative mind has in store for me. I’m not going to lie I was thrilled when he asked me at the bar the other night if I would pose for him. Of course my mind went straight for the naughty when he said he wanted to explore me but then he quickly corrected himself when we all looked at him and said, “Ladies please get your minds out of the gutter, this is all about art. She has these amazing lines that I must capture.”

“Annie. Hello! So glad you could make it.” Patrick is wearing faded blue jeans and a thin white t-shirt splattered with paint. He is not wearing his beanie today so his reddish brown hair is loose and wild and all I can think about is running my fingers through it. Whoa girl, slow down. “Hi Patrick. I’m excited to help you out.” As we walk into the dimly lit studio I look around and see that he has a couple of stations set up; a huge canvas on an easel sits in one corner against a white back drop and a black back drop takes up space in another corner with a tripod and camera. A single stool sits in the middle of the floor surrounded by black. “I am very happy you agreed to be my subject today. My students really enjoyed having you in class the other night as did I.” Now I am blushing and smile at him.

He looks at me with those brown eyes and I feel warmth in my belly and then my awkward side comes out and I start babbling. “I wasn’t sure what to wear so I just wore something that I could slip out of easily.” He laughs and I realize what I am saying. “No, wait. That came out wrong. I meant I wanted to give you easy access. Oh God that is worse. I am going to shut up now.” I cover my face with my hands and start to giggle. “Are you nervous?” I peek through my fingers and nod my head. “It’s ok. I will guide you and tell you exactly what I want you to do. You actually wore the right clothes for this project.” He looks over my slightly off the shoulder grey shirt and black leggings and nods approval. “Yes perfect. You don’t mind if you get paint on these do you?”

“Not at all. I figured that I might get dirty so I wore my ‘I don’t care about getting messy’ clothes.” He gives me this sly smile. Damn it I did it again. “Why don’t we start with some photographs to help you relax. You can put your stuff down on the table over there and then come sit down on the stool.” He walks away and I of course start over thinking about what I said. I must sound like an idiot.  Maria told me that he has never invited any of the models back to his studio before so that must mean something but what? I don’t know why I am so nervous. I admit it has been a while since I have dated but this isn’t a date. Is it? Sara would tell me to snap out of it and stop being so silly.

“Annie are you ready?” I shake myself out of my foolish thoughts and walk over to the stool. He directs me to sit down and turns my stool more to one side. “May I touch you so that I can place you exactly where I need you to be?” I say yes and he starts to manipulate my body by moving my shoulders and head and then tugging my sleeve down more. “I need you to drop your head back as far as you can so that I can get your collarbone to stick up more. It may be uncomfortable but it is important to hold the pose for as long as possible.” He goes behind the camera and makes some adjustments and comes back to me. “Do you have a top on under this one? I really need to have you take it off or I have to cut it to get the frame I need.”

He is so close to me I can smell his cologne and my heart skips a beat. He smells so good! Like lemon, Cedarwood and musk all rolled into one. Kind of like Michael but I stop myself before I go down that road. “I have on a bandeau top on.” He lifts my shirt and I raise my arms to allow him to pull it over my head. My hair falls loose from its side ponytail and he simply brushes it off my shoulder. His touch gives me goose bumps. “Ok so are you ready? Remember to hold the pose for as long as you can I will let you know when to relax.”

He moves behind the camera and starts clicking away. I am leaning so far back I am afraid I may fall off the stool at any moment. I feel my neck getting stiff but do my best to stay still. “Ok relax for a moment.” I pull myself forward and shake my head to loosen up. “So what exactly are you trying to capture?” He pops his head out from behind the camera. “I will show you once I take a few more shots. Are you ready?” I assume the same position and again he starts clicking away. I hear movement and suddenly feel him very close to me. “Almost done just a few more shots you are doing great.” The clicking of the camera is comforting to me. Like an eye that blinks I image the lens is taking in everything that our eyes won’t see. “And. Done. You can sit up now.” Again I stretch my neck and shake my head. “Come here and tell me what you think.”

I walk over and he has the images up on a computer screen. All I see is what looks like a sand dune captured in black and white. It takes me a few seconds to realize that what I am looking at is my collarbone and shoulder. I have no idea what he did but it is beautiful. “That’s incredible! How did you do that?” He smiles again and says “it was all you all I did was capture it. You are my muse it seems. If you are up to it I would like to sketch you next, maybe even paint you.” I smile at him and he takes me by the hand and leads me to the canvas. He positions me in front of the white back drop and goes and stands in front of the canvas. I am standing barefoot in my top and black leggings staring back at him as his eyes scan me from head to toe. It doesn’t feel right to have clothes on after posing nude for his class the other night so I pull the bandeau top over my head and let it drop to the floor. He looks up at me. I slowly push my leggings down and step out of them as well. I am now naked with my hands at my sides shaking with anticipation and excitement. I give myself a mental pat on the back for shaving before I came over and stifle a giggle.

I watch as his hands move back and forth across the canvas as he looks from me to the canvas and back to me again. Suddenly he drops his pencil and comes up to me. “I need to paint you. It is the only way I can get it right.” I kind of thought that was what he was going to do and the look of confusion on my face makes him laugh. “Sorry what I mean is I want to paint YOU. Here like this.” He has a squeeze bottle of paint and grabs my hand pulling me closer to him. I am looking into his eyes and feel the cool, wet slickness of the paint and it slides over my chest. I look down and I am covered in blue paint and he is slowly spreading it with his soft hands, his thumbs brush against my nipples and I moan. He steps back slightly and continues to move the paint over my body; his hands the brush.

My breathing comes faster as he moves his hands down my legs and then back up between them stopping just short of my pubic hair and moving his hands around to my backside and cupping my ass. The pressure of his hands is constant as he moves again over my nipples and my body responds by arching against his fingers. He moves closer and gently kisses me letting his tongue flick across my lips. I wrap my arms around him and pull his shirt up and over his head. The paint is now covering both of us as we continue to kiss slowly at first and then more urgently. His hands are in my hair as he pulls me closer to him. I am pulling at his jeans pushing them down until we are skin to skin. I close my eyes and get lost in his touch and the taste of his mouth on mine. We are touching each other trying to explore but the paint works with us as well as against us. He pulls away for a moment and takes me by the hand and leads me to another room just off of the studio. At first I think he is taking me to the bedroom but then realize we are in a large bathroom with a walk in shower. “You are a naughty girl Annie. I like it. Let’s get this paint off of you so that I can truly explore you.”

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Twenty-One


“The Art of Being Naked”

Standing in the changing room with three other models I am trying not to freak out but I’m failing miserably. The other girls seem at ease drinking their coffee and talking quietly. Sitting around with their robes loosely tied I glimpse a naked shoulder on one model and the smooth belly of another. I am the outsider here and I know it. This is their turf. I clutch my robe and try to slow my racing heartbeat. What the heck was I thinking saying I wanted to do this?!

I must look like a deer caught in the headlights because one of the models smiles and comes over to me. I can’t help but stare at her. She has this exotic look about her with eyes so dark they are almost black and olive skin that seems to make her dark wavy brown hair catch fire. She has full lips and high cheek bones that make you want to hate her. I can’t tell if she is Hispanic, Latina or something else but whatever it is she gets stared at a lot.

“You must be the new girl. Patrick said you had a certain look and very nice lines. And you aren’t one of those heroin chic girls thank God. Took him a while but he got over that phase. I told him women with curves have been painted, drawn, sculpted and carved throughout history not those esas chicas flacas. No hay nada como una mujer con curvas! Right? Yes of course I am right. Those skinny girls don’t know. You got curves you know exactly what it’s like.” I give a small laugh and say, “Wow I have no idea what you said but it sounded pretty! I’m Annie by the way.”

“Hola! I am Maria Sofia Guadalupe Lopez. I know. Don’t ask. My mama loves to be traditional so I have four names. Sometimes my thoughts come out better in Spanish then English. I was just saying that nothing beats a curvy woman.” It’s like she doesn’t take a breath between sentences and I realize that I do the same thing. “Is this your first time?” Blushing I nod my head. “Is it that obvious? I just needed to get out of my comfort zone and figured this is pretty far out there. I have no idea what I am doing here.”

“Well this is pretty much out of most people’s comfort zone. It’s a good thing you have me here to help you out. The first thing you need to know; don’t pick a pose that is hard to hold or you will start cramping after about 10 minutes especially since you’re new to this. Try to aim for lounging poses so you can relax a bit. If you choose to stand try stand with your legs slightly apart one in front of the other or crossed. Don’t think of yourself as being naked because they aren’t looking at you that way. Most of them are trying to figure out how the hell to draw your elbow or get the shadow on your knee just right.” She continues to talk as she guides me into the classroom behind the other models. It is cold in here and at first I don’t understand why but then it hits me. Cold air constricts…everything. I can feel my nipples getting hard and immediately blush. Oh boy.

As we stand at the front of the classroom I can see Patrick talking to some of the students. I watch him as he moves between each student helping them get their work station set up. The muscles under his shirt are moving oh so nicely and it is quite distracting. Maria’s voice pulls me back to reality. “One last bit of advice chica.” She has already disrobed as have the rest of the girls so I am the only one still wearing my robe. “Any teacher, photographer or artist worth anything will tell you where they want your arms, legs or other body parts to be. They do not touch you unless you ask for help or they ask you first. Never forget that. I wish someone had explained it to me when I first started. I learned the hard way. Ese pendejo fue afortunado que no le dijo a mis hermanos!” I start to ask what that means but the look on her face tells me it is not good.

The moment of truth is here. I have to take off my robe. I worry briefly about what these students will see when I am naked but realize it doesn’t matter at all.  Looking at the students, they stare back at me not with lust in their eyes but with a certain curiosity, their pencils poised inches from their canvases and I feel myself relax a tiny bit. Slowly I untie my robe and let it slip from my shoulders. Time seems to be moving at a much slower pace right now. If this were a movie my eyes would be dilating with fear and excitement and my lips parting as my tongue darts out to lick them as the camera lingers on the slippery surface for a moment before zooming out. This isn’t a movie though this is real. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears as the soft cotton robe slides down my back and over my bottom to fall at my feet. I start to move it away with my foot when I hear a small voice say, “No please leave it there, I want to draw you in that moment.” I look up and see an older woman looking from her canvas to me and back again; her pencil moving quickly across the stretched fabric a slight smile on her face as she sketches.

I focus on trying to look natural and realize there is music playing softly in the background. Moving my attention to that I try to lose myself in the rhythm of the music drifting off to another world diving down to where it lives inside me. Warmth near my shoulder brings me back to the present. Patrick is close by, his hands inches from my shoulder. “See the curves in the shoulder and collar bone” he points to me, “imagine your pencil tracing the lines, moving slowly from the top and moving down. Use slow, light strokes when you are in these areas as they are as delicate on paper as they are in real life. This model has strong shoulders be sure to get the lines just right.” I meet his eyes and he smiles at me and my skin tingles in response. Whoa.

The rest of the class goes by quickly and I am slightly disappointed as I am not ready for it to be over. There is a power I feel at being naked in front of these strangers nothing perverse just a freedom that I don’t want to end. Patrick thanks the students and then thanks us. The students clap and then begin to gather their things making small talk with each other and the other models. I gather my robe and quietly slip into the changing room. Maria is already dressed and looks like she spent two hours getting ready instead of the five minutes she actually took. “Well you made it through your first class! How do you feel?”  I pull my hair back into a ponytail and slip on my shoes. “Good really good! At first I was scared but then I just let the music take me away and I forgot where I was.”

“Si! It will get so much easier if you stick it out. Do you have plans tonight? Patrick usually invites us out for a drink after class. You should come with.” Smiling I try to act nonchalant about it but inside I am jumping up and down. “Will his umm….” She interrupts me, “He’s single and straight.” I stare at her and blush yet again. “You have to meet my roommate Sara I think you two were separated at birth.” Grabbing me by the arm she leads me out into the classroom. “She must be amazing then! Patrick we meeting at the usual spot tonight?”

He is putting away the last of the easels and looks at Maria and then to me. “Yes, I will be there shortly. Annie you did an amazing job for your first time. I hope you be joining us this evening?” I nod my head then find my voice. “Yes. I. Yes I will be there.” He adjusts his beanie and runs his hands over his stomach. I am watching this and realize he is staring at me stare at him. Busted. What is wrong with me?! He smiles. “I look forward to getting to know you better tonight.” And with that he returns to his task at hand and Maria pulls me out of the classroom.

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Twenty


What Do You Want?

Sitting in the back booth at our favorite dive bar, Sara orders one last shot for the road. I am a bit (ok a lot) inebriated so I refrain from opening my mouth as I may trip over my tongue. Currently I am giggling at a guy at the bar who missed his mouth yet again and spilled beer down his shirt for the third time. I snort laughter and put my hands over my mouth in a sad attempt to stifle myself. It is not working so well. “Annie!” I slide my eyes back to Sara and look at the clear liquid she holds before me. I groan loudly and shake my head. My stomach is telling me not to take the shot but my brain and stomach are not communicating very well as I watch my hand reach for the glass and feel the cold liquid slide down my throat. The world is shifting dangerously to the right. “I can’t feel my lips or my face. I think I’m strunk. Drink. Shhhhip. Drunk.” Yup I have lost all control of my tongue now.

Tom is leaning over me and his hair is falling into his face. He looks funny and I try to reach up to touch him. Wait. Why is he standing above me? “Come on girlie the party is over for you I’m afraid.” He scoops me up and I hear him and Sara talking quietly as we leave the bar. I settle into Tom’s shoulder as he carries me outside where the cool air hits me lulling me into a sweet darkness where I know I will dream of him. Down and down I go.

I wake up with my head and hearting pounding. He has invaded my dreams again. Sleep is something that both repulses and entices me at the same time. I don’t quite remember my dreams only that he is in them. The smell of bacon makes my stomach growl and I shake off my dream. Sara and Tom are making their famous hangover breakfast and though the world seems to be swimming I drag myself out of bed and into the kitchen. A glass of water and two aspirin are sitting on the table along with a cup of coffee. “Mmmmmm. That bacon smells so good. I am starving!” Tom brings a bowl of fruit over and sets it down at the table with a heaping plate of pancakes. I am drooling now. Sara slides two eggs onto a plate and hands it to me. I sit down and pile pancakes on my plate saying a little prayer that it all stays where it belongs; in my tummy. “Dream of the asshole again last night?” Damn it how does she do that? I shrug and dig into my eggs. Tom gives me the look. He and I both know what is coming. She sighs loudly. Here it comes. “Do you want to waste your time crying over some guy who didn’t have the balls to tell you that he was getting married or do you want to get on with your life? What do you want Annie?”

“What do I want?! What. Do. I. Want. I want my heart to stop hurting. I want to be able to rip it out of my chest like Regina the Evil Queen on that show about fairytales. Put it in a lockbox and bury it deep in the woods so that I don’t ever have to worry about getting hurt again. That’s what I want.” I rub my eyes to keep the tears from falling. I hate that I am even crying.  Sara sits next to me and puts her coffee down. I can smell the dark roast and caramel creamer she has added. Reluctantly, I look at her.

“Well, I hate to break it to you but that shit isn’t real; it’s a show. Deal with the break up and move forward. You are my best friend but right now I want to shake you like a rag doll to get some sense into you.” A snort escapes me and then I am consumed by a full on giggle fit. I am laughing so hard I am crying or am I crying because I am laughing so hard. Finally I manage to contain my giggles and look at Sara. “I know. I don’t know what else to say other than I know. He got to me in a way that no one else has managed to do in a very long time. I have to come to terms with it. On the bright side you are getting me out of the apartment and meeting new people.” Tom, who has been sitting there silently, watching this whole thing, chimes in at last. “Well thank goodness for small miracles. Of course that doesn’t mean getting fall down drunk every weekend and it certainly doesn’t mean kissing on strangers.” I open my mouth and a squeak escapes. I clear my throat and try again. “That only happened once. And that was three months ago. I was seriously hoping you both forgot about that.” My blush reaches to my scalp.

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Coffee and books are my latest passions. They are both safe and I can rely on them to do what they are supposed to do; give me energy and help me elude reality momentarily. Sitting in the café at the local bookstore, I watch all the interesting people pass by. All walks of life come here for the same thing; answers to questions, a chance to learn about themselves or others, or a chance to dive into another realm. An art book sits un-opened in front of me along with a doodle pad which I am doodling on while I sip my coffee and get lost in my own thoughts.

“Hi. Excuse me.” I jump and almost wear my coffee. I look up and see that the voice belongs to a tall, slender guy wearing a black t-shirt, jeans and a dark gray beanie that seems to compliment his scruffy beard. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to frighten you. I tried to get your attention a couple of times but you seemed far away.” He is smiling at me. Nice. I smile back and feel myself blush. “No it was my fault I wasn’t quite here. Apparently I got lost in my thoughts.” He points to the chair across from me and sits down without waiting for me to answer. “Hi, I’m Patrick.” He sticks his hand out and I shake it. His hands are soft yet firm. “Annie. Nice to meet you.”

“I was asking if you were done with that book on nude life drawing. I have been looking for it and the lady at the counter said they had a copy but it wasn’t on the shelf. And here it is.” I am confused for a moment. I have no idea what he is talking about. Then I look down and see The Nude: Understanding the Elements of Life Drawing (The Art of Drawing) and it clicks. “Oh. I. Well umm, it’s not my book.” He smiles again and I notice his brown eyes. He is staring at me and I think I like it. “What I mean to say is that I wasn’t really paying attention when I grabbed the book. I just wanted something to flip through while I drank my coffee, and wow I look like a pervert don’t I?”

He laughs and he has this deep kind of laugh that makes me want to laugh too. “Not at all. The body is a beautiful thing. Drawing it is even better don’t you agree? The shapes, colors, shadows, they are all there waiting to be explored, touched, sketched, and painted.” He has the book in his hands and he is admiring the sketches on the pages as if he were studying the lines not just the naked bodies. It is suddenly very warm in here. “Do you do those things? I mean are you an artist?” I ask him wondering suddenly what he would do if he could sketch me. Whoa what?

“Actually I do all of those things. I run a small art studio and I also teach at the community college here in town. We are working on nudes this semester and I wanted to get some supplemental materials for the students to study especially for those who seem stuck on the nude part.” I can’t stop staring at him. Afraid of tripping over my tongue I sip my coffee so I can gather my thoughts. I don’t want him to leave just yet there is something about him that is drawing me in. I say, “That sounds really interesting. As you can see I doodle but I definitely do not draw.” We start making small talk and he pulls my doodle pad closer to him and takes my pen and starts sketching. I can’t see what he is doing but I am mesmerized by how quickly his hand is moving and his eyes move from the pad to me and back again several times.  He doesn’t skip a beat in our conversation which completely amazes me. I am studying him as much as he is studying me. His hair is a medium brown and sticks out from under the beanie just touching the top of his t-shirt. His reddish brown beard is trimmed and frames his face well. His thick eyebrows are furrowed together as he works the pen across the page and I notice that he is chewing on his lower lip. It is sexy and sweet at the same time.

The pen stops moving and he looks at me for a long time and slides my pad back over to me. Staring back up at me is someone I don’t recognize. Curly hair framing the face, lips slightly parted and a lost look on her face. He nailed my emotional state so well. I look lost, haunted almost. “I draw what I see, I hope you don’t mind. Whoever hurt you is no longer in your life? I mean it isn’t my business I just met you but I certainly hope not.”

“No. No he is not. How. How did you do that? You captured me so well.” I run my fingers over the paper. The lines are ridged from the pen strokes. I touch my lips and then the paper again. Patrick gathers the book and starts to stand. “I teach on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 7-10 pm if you ever want to stop by. I am actually on my way now so I must run. It was truly a pleasure to sketch you Annie. I hope to see you again soon.” As he turns to leave I know that I am going to do something crazy. “Wait. Umm do you need nude models for your class?” Did I just volunteer to be a nude model? “Yes we can always use models. Are you bold enough to try it tonight? You can come and just watch if you want. There are four models scheduled.” I nod my head and gather my stuff. Tonight I am going to get naked for the sake of art and I think I am going to like it. A lot.

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Nineteen


http://soundcloud.com/david-mcsparron/unlucky

“Unlucky in Love”

I sit on the edge of my bed with the letter from Michael on my lap. I have read it so many times now the paper is soft from my constant touch; folding and unfolding it. I scan the words yet again though I have it memorized; I hope to see something I missed before. I push play again on my CD player. “I’m unlucky in love they tell me I’m unlucky in love they say, oh but things are gonna change.”  As the first words float through the speakers I read his letter again….

Annie,

My beautiful angel. I know how much you love music especially new artists and definitely your growing love for David McSparron. When I heard this song Unlucky I knew you would maybe understand why I am doing what I am doing. Listen to the words. You have no idea what you have done to me these past few weeks.  You’re such an amazing woman! You are beautiful, smart and funny. You are everything that I want and everything I need. But things are complicated for me. I never meant for you to fall for me or in love with me.  You deserve better than what I can give you. Like the song says I am unlucky in love. I wish I could change that right now but I can’t. I want so badly for you to understand how much you have changed me. I will never forget you and maybe someday I can explain it to you and you won’t hate me. I know you may consider me a coward or that I am running away but just listen to Unlucky and think of me.

Yours always,

Michael

I feel the tears slide down my cheeks and splatter onto the page. It is a haunting sound I realize. I flop back against the pillow and put my arm over my eyes as the tears continue to flow silently down and land softly on the pillow. Rolling onto my side I crush the letter to my chest. I look at the empty pillow next to me running my hand over the surface and close my eyes trying to remember every detail of our last encounter. His smell, his touch, his smile…….

I can tell something is wrong when he comes over. He seems agitated and his blue eyes look almost gray.  He stands there looking at me like he wants to shake me or kiss me it is hard to tell which one at the moment. “Why? Why Annie? You don’t really love me you only think you do.” I shake my head as the tears come. I hate that I am crying again over a man.  But this one is different so different that I can’t even explain it to myself. “Normally when someone tells you they love you, they don’t react this way. They say at the very least thank you or I don’t know I love you too. What the hell is going on Michael?”

He comes close to me and I step back for some reason. “Annie.” He grabs my face with both of his hands and pulls me to him kissing me softly as though we have never kissed before. His tongue is exploring my mouth as his hands slide deeper into my hair.  One hand gently pulls my hair while the other hand slides down my back. My arms are wrapped tightly around him I don’t want to let go. I feel like it may very well be the last time I am near him so I want to be lost in him completely. My hands slide down to the small of his back and I can feel his muscles underneath his t-shirt, tight and hard. I am overcome with desire for him and my kisses become more urgent. I pull at his shirt tugging it out of his jeans. Quickly I pull his shirt up over his head, locking lips with him once more.

He responds by tearing at my leggings and I hear the distinct rip as he tugs them down my thighs. Our hands are groping and grabbing and soon enough we are both naked, breathing heavy. The look in his eyes is one of urgency. It is almost animalistic and I feel it too.  I want to bite and scratch and attack him on every level. He pushes me back to the wall and grabs my arms pinning them to the wall. I don’t even know how to feel right now but it doesn’t matter at this moment.  The only thing that matters is touching and tasting, our bodies moving as one.

I groan loudly. “I want to touch you Michael. Please.” He smiles at me and shakes his head.  He has my arms pinned at the wrist with one hand and the other hand is touching me as though he is trying to memorize every part of my body. He is rough, he is gentle, as his fingers explore every part of me, making me cry out with pleasure as he sends me over the edge over and over again. My body is in overdrive now. I try to pull my arms free but he has a tight grip on my wrists. I can feel the wall bite into my skin as I try to free myself. It hurts but it feels so good too. “Please Michael. I need you now.” This comes out as a growl as I so want to pounce on him.

Suddenly he pulls me to him and lifts me up, automatically I wrap my legs around him. I can feel him against me and I move to get closer but he stops me. I try again to slide down onto him but he stops me again. I kiss him deeply as he slams himself into me making me gasp. We move as one and I have no idea how we are managing to stay upright at the moment. My eyes are closed and my head is thrown back, my back arching to meet his thrusts. My hands are gripping his shoulders and I am lost in him, his touch, his smell, his essence. Forgotten is the look of hurt and anger and maybe even fear I saw on his face when he stepped inside my bedroom.

I feel as though I am falling and realize he has moved us to the bed. He moves me up on the bed and crawls up so that he is over me. I reach up to pull him to me in desperation I can’t get enough of him. “Slow Annie, slow.” I fall back on the bed and close my eyes and try to control myself. He lowers himself down so that we are completely skin to skin now. I can feel him between my legs ready to go. “Tell me you love me Annie.  Open your beautiful eyes and look at me. I want to see you, hear you, feel you.” As he slides inside me I whisper, “I love you Michael. I do.” Tears come again but I choose not to acknowledge that. In this moment we are one. As we lay all tangled up; limbs and sheets, my head rests on his chest over his wolf tattoo, his heart beating in my ear. The knife that pierces the heart on his chest feels like it is mine as if he is wearing my pain right over his heart. I am so sleepy but I try to fight it as I am afraid that if I fall asleep he won’t be there when I wake up. “Annie, are you awake?” I nod my head slowly. “Mmmmmmm.” I feel his lips on my forehead as he kisses me. His fingers are playing with my hair and I get drowsier. As I am on the edge of sleep I hear him whisper very softly, “I love you Annie.”

A knock on the door drags me viciously back to the present. “Annie?” Sara opens the door, sees me on the bed with the letter in my hand dried tears staining my face and gives me that smile. It says that no matter how long I have trapped myself in my room or cried myself to sleep or screamed in anger she will still be my friend and listen to my heartache.  She will tell me that it will be ok and pick me back up and set me straight. Gently she takes the letter from me, folds it up and puts it on the nightstand. She lies down on the bed next to me so we are face to face our noses almost touching. “Honey I know your heart is breaking right now. I see you struggling to try to understand why but it’s not in that letter. I promise you that.”

I can feel the ugly cry coming, the one where your whole face scrunches up and your eyes swell up and your nose gets red.  I feel her arms around me as she pulls me close to her, hugging me tightly while I continue to cry for what feels like the millionth time. When my crying is only sniffles she gets up and pulls me up with her so that we are sitting with our legs crossed, knee to knee. “It has been three weeks Annie.  You need to get back to being you. Please. I miss my best friend.” I nod and wipe my eyes and nose with the bottom my shirt. “So I want you to get up, wash your face, and for god’s sake brush your teeth and shave your very hairy legs because we are going out tonight!” She holds up her hand before I can even protest. “I am not taking no for an answer. I’m gonna get you good and shitfaced tonight. Forget Michael; forget all the ones who have broken your heart. It is time to start breaking some hearts of your own.”  I find myself giggling because I know she will drag me out one way or the other. She is already in my closet pulling out clothes for me to wear.  I slide off the bed and walk to the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror I see a person I haven’t seen in a long time. My eyes are super green right now and bloodshot. I splash cold water on my face and feel my sadness turn to anger. I gave Michael my heart and he chose to stomp on it but right now in this moment I refuse to be sad any more.  Sara is standing in the doorway. “There’s my girl. I can see it in your eyes.  Use that energy to burn up the dance floor girl! Tom has already agreed to be our DD for the night so it is on like Donkey Kong! Now repeat after me; Fuck him, fucking Fucker!” She hands me a shot glass and we tap them together and throw back our shots. I smile as the liquid slides down into my belly. Fuck him. I have shed the last tear I will ever cry for him. I love him but I will not let my heart be broken again.

 

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Eighteen


“Why does Love Make Things So Complicated”

          We are standing together on the side of the road and the sounds of crickets surround us.  Leaning against him I am lost in his kiss and my heart is pounding.  I am scared and turned on at the same time.  The fear of almost coming off of the motorcycle and actually telling him that I love him has taken me to a new level.  Everything seems so clear to me.  The wind has picked up and I can hear thunder in the distance.  He pulls back and looks at me.  “You love me?”  I smile at him and touch his face.  I am afraid to speak so I nod instead.  A look comes over his face and I can’t tell if it is happiness or him being freaked out.  I realize I don’t know anything about his past lovers.  Did I just commit a big no-no?  I clear my throat.

“Listen, I am not expecting you to tell me you love me it’s just, well it was the heat of the moment.  I was scared and I was afraid of not telling you how I felt.  The way you moved on that motorcycle I have never seen that before.  There is so much I don’t know about you Michael.”  I am looking up into his eyes with the moon shining brightly in the sky and I can feel cold drops of rain fall on my upturned face.  He smiles at me and this smile is one I have not seen before….it seems sad and happy at the same time.  “Darlin, I told you that I would not let anything happen to you.”  He is looking at me so intensely I shiver for all the right reasons.  He pulls me closer and the rain drops continue to fall on my face and I am happy for this as it hides my tears.  His face is buried in my hair and he sighs.

Suddenly the sky opens up and we are quickly getting soaked as the rain comes down on us.  It is slapping against the road, the dirt, the trees making a kind of music that is erotic and sensual.  I smile at him.  He cocks his head at me and I can see he has that look that I know so well.  He takes off my jacket as he slowly kisses my lips flicking his tongue across my bottom lip and I groan with pleasure.  I pull at his jacket tugging it off him as our kissing becomes more urgent while the rain comes down harder.  He pulls me toward the bike and I am not sure at first what he wants me to do.  Down on his knees he tugs my jeans down and over my boots.  My white t-shirt is getting soaked and my pink bra is showing through.  He gets on his bike and then pulls me onto his lap so that I am straddling him.

I wrap my legs around his waist and he has me pulled close enough that I can feel the body heat coming off of us.  He pulls my hair back forcing my head back exposing my neck.  The rain splashes on my face and rolls down my cheeks, my forehead and my neck. It is cold but seems to sizzle against my hot skin.  He does this to me makes my temperature go through the roof.  Michael sinks his teeth gently into my neck and hits a certain spot that makes me cry out with pleasure.  I find that I am grinding myself against him and I grab his shirt and pull it over his head.  I want to feel his skin against me; I want to touch him to feel him as close as I can to me.

Our hands are all over each other touching and pulling at clothes trying to get skin to skin as quickly as possible.  His hands find my panties and I feel them rip as he pulls them aside.  There is urgency between us as he pulls me down on him over and over again.  I feel like I am outside of myself looking down at the two of us making love on his motorcycle on the side of the road with the full moon hanging in the sky like a secret spy watching us from a distance.  Just as he takes me over the edge he pulls me close to him and I can feel his breath on my ear as he nibbles on my lobe.  I feel so close to him right now so why do I feel like this is his way of saying goodbye?

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Seventeen


“Dangerous Situations Make You say Crazy Things”

Splashing from the pool wakes me from my delicious dream about Michael.  I just can’t seem to ever get him out of my head.  He invades my every thought, my soul, my body.  I am lying on my stomach and crack one eye open to see Tom and Sara near the shallow end with her clinging close to his body.  We have managed to get the pool to ourselves this late in the afternoon and we are making the most of it.  Beads of sweat slowly roll off my arms and down the middle of my back.  I drop my head back down.  Between the sun and the beer I’m feeling pretty good right now.  The smell of sun tan lotion takes me back to my younger days of being at the beach all day playing in the waves and listening to music and not having a care in the world.

They are giggling and I know what that means.  “Ok you two better NOT be doing what I think you’re doing because it’s really hot and I need to jump in the water and I don’t want or need to see any body parts! I’m getting up……”  I tentatively raise my head and peek through my hair.  They are right in front of my chair dripping wet looking down at me like I have three heads.  “Honestly Annie, we aren’t always having sex you know.”  Tom can’t even say this with a straight face.

“Ooooo Sara you better get back he is gonna get struck by lightning for all that lying he’s doing right now.  Hello I live right across the hall from you two and the walls are pretty thin.  I may be permanently damaged from the jungle noises I have heard come from that room.”  Sara starts laughing at this and Tom turns a few shades of red.  Suddenly he scoops me up and throws me into the pool.  I am screaming and laughing so hard that I swallow about a gallon of water.  I come up coughing and laughing and choking all at the same time.

Tom and Sara both do cannonballs right next to me sending waves everywhere.  Yes we are a bunch of kids at times.  I swim to the floating cooler we have in the pool and grab us each a beer.  I love days like this.  I miss hanging out with Sara and Tom but Michael has kept me pretty busy these past few weeks which I really like.  I sigh thinking about all the things we have done.  “Why don’t you just call him and ask him to come over here and hang out with us?”  Sara has been dying to drill him with tons of questions about what his intentions are with me.  She worries about me getting hurt again so she is protective of me.  “I have tried but he is always busy he says when he is not with me.  He said he is working on something with the military so of course he can’t tell me anything.  And that just makes me want him even more!  Maybe he is a spy…my very own 007.”

Tom looks at both of us and sighs.  “Um, ok I think I’m gonna go back to the apartment and get…whatever so you two can do your thing and talk about him without making me uncomfortable.”  We watch him walk back toward our apartment and we both start laughing.  “Sara you better marry him!  He is not like the rest of these guys around here.”  She gives me this knowing look.  “Girl we were just talking about the big M the other night.  I am not in a hurry and neither is he.  I want to wait to see what happens with my job first.  Speaking of which have you said the L word yet?  Has he?”

I almost spit my beer out and manage to choke on it instead.  “Oh my god no!  Why would you even say that?”  Again with the look.  She knows me better than I know myself most times.  “Annie who are you kidding.  You are obviously head over heels for him.  He treats you like a queen and you are always grinning.  I mean I would be grinning too with all the crazy places you two have sex.  The man took you to the museum and had all your favorite artists on display and he seduced you under the stars, I mean who does that?”  I splash her to hide the fact that my face is turning red and I hate when she is right.  I do really like him but do I love him?  I don’t even want to admit it to myself let alone my best friend.

“I, well, I don’t know.  How I feel about him.”  I look at her and grin.  I am never at a loss for words so this is serious.  I swim over to get another beer out of the cooler.  It is empty so I grab it and take it the edge and pull myself up and out of the water.  “Annie.”  I look back at Sara and she is looking in the parking lot.  I follow her stare and there he is.  He is sitting on a suede black and chrome trim Harley Davidson Road King looking at me with that smile of his.  It’s like a wolf grin and I don’t ever know what he is thinking when I see that look.  Ok I know exactly what he is thinking and it makes me tingle. Everywhere.

I am dripping wet, no make-up on, and he is looking at me like I am the most beautiful creature in the world.  I walk along the fence and admire him as I go.  He is dressed in a black leather form fitting jacket, dark blue jeans with black leather chaps and black motorcycle boots.  He has on black leather gloves and has his helmet sitting in front of him.  I want to climb the fence and throw myself into his arms and smell the leather on him.  Instead I smile shyly at him and walk toward him as calmly as possible.  I feel his eyes on me the whole time.  My heart is thudding in my chest as well as other places.  This is what he does to me.

I can hear the leather crack as he leans in and kisses me.  I breathe him in and it makes me intoxicated, more than any alcohol can do.  He touches my hair and then my shoulder and lets his hand slide down my arm.  His gloved hand gives me goose bumps.  “I finished early and thought I would surprise you with a ride.”  I look into those light blue eyes and grab his face and pull him to me.  “I like your kind of surprises Michael.”  I kiss him deeply and taste mint on his tongue.  He groans and breaks our kiss while still holding me tightly to him.

“You are risking me taking you out of that wet yellow bikini right here if you aren’t careful.  You are wet and practically naked and you smell like coconut oil so I cannot guarantee that I can behave as I should.”  I giggle at this for some reason.  He looks past me, “hi Sara.”  She waves back.  “Hi Michael.  Do you want to join us for a swim?”  His eyes linger over my body and he grunts under his breath.  “Maybe next time.  I was hoping to take Annie for a ride this evening.”  Eyes back on me now.  “Well?”  I look back at Sara who gives me the move along wave.  “Sure can I take a quick shower?  We have been here all day so I smell like chlorine and suntan lotion.

“Of course angel though I do love the way you smell right now.  We may not make it out of your room if you stay in those clothes.”  I give him a quick kiss on the lips.  “Tease.”  I walk back to the pool and I am grinning like a fool.  “Annie you are in L-O-V-E!”  Crap.  What if I am?  What does this mean?  Does he feel the same way?  He is the first guy I have really fallen for in so long.  I should be happy but I am freaking out instead.

*******

          I am sitting on the back of his motorcycle holding onto to him tightly as the evening air rushes through my helmet.  There are so many things to look at I feel like my head should be on a swivel.  He gave me all the tips before we started and I am trying my hardest to remember everything he said.  The sun has dipped below the trees and the back roads he has chosen are peaceful with no other cars in sight.  I peek at the speedometer and see we are doing at least 75 on the straightaways.  We have been riding for a couple of hours and he has taken me down so many roads I had no clue even existed.  The moon has come out now and is full and bright.

I keep looking up at the moon.  He pats my leg and points up to the moon.  I smile and give him the thumbs up showing him I am looking.  I have loosened my grip on him now as I feel more comfortable.  The brightness from the moon is drawing me in so much that I want to reach out and touch it that is how close it feels to me.  I can see everything, the trees, the cows in the pastures and the deer on the side of the road.  I can only hear the wind as it rushes past us and I am lost in this moment.  I let go of him completely and rest my hands on my thighs as I lean back against the small back rest.  I think the moon is hypnotizing me.  My heart feels so happy right now in this moment and I feel it in every part of me.  He has done this to me, made me feel happiness again.

Suddenly I feel his whole body tighten up and he down shifts rapidly which forces me forward and I almost crack my helmet against his.  I am not holding on and I can feel my weight shift as he swerves quickly to the right and then to the left but my body wants to keep going right.  I panic for a moment because I have nothing to keep me from falling off the bike. Immediately I squeeze my thighs against him and grab a handful of leather.  My heart is pounding and I am trying to stay calm.  Finding my balance I wrap my arms around his waist.  I see two deer run swiftly into the grass and realize they were the reason he reacted so quickly.

He continues to slow down and we pull off the side of the road.  He turns off the motorcycle and I know we are stopped and I am ok but I refuse to loosen my grip on him.  He gets my hands free and taps my leg for me to get off.  I am shaking and as I swing my leg over I know that I am going to have jelly legs.  I try to stand and end up doing a kind of squat sit on the hard dirt before falling back onto my bottom.  My fingers are shaking as I try franticly to get the helmet off my head.  “Anne.  Annie!”  I look up at Michael and he seems so composed.  “Stop.  Give yourself a minute.”  This comes out muffled because my heart is screaming in my ears and all I can hear is this whimpering sound then I realize it is coming from me.

He squats down in front of me and undoes my helmet and pulls it over my head.  Hot tears are streaming down my face as he pulls me to my feet.  He has pulled his gloves off and is wiping my tears away.  “It’s ok, it’s ok.  We are still in one piece.”  I can’t stop crying which makes me cry even harder.  “I thought.  I thought.  I wasn’t paying attention like you told me to.  I’m sorry.”  I am pacing back and forth now that the adrenalin has kicked in.

“I was thinking about you and how much I love you and when I was slipping I thought I was gonna come right off the bike and then I would never get to tell you how I feel and I…”  I stop.  Shit. I just said the L word. He is looking at me and I can’t read his face.  He comes toward me and pulls me to him kissing me so deeply I feel it in every part of my body.  “You love me?”

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Sixteen


“You are the Sexy, Dangerous Kind Part Two”

“Annie, you are the sexy dangerous kind and I think I really like that about you but I did tell you that I would have to think of something for you not listening when I said no heels.”  I look at him and try to figure out if he is joking or not.  He chuckles and starts to walk toward his car.  If he is teasing I am not sure I can take it.  “Annie!”  I look up and he has the door open waving me over.  “I am not done with you but this is too open for what I have in mind for you my dear now get in the car I want to do naughty things to you in the woods.”

I walk toward the car on shaky legs full of excitement and heightened arousal.  My head is spinning with heady thoughts of what I want him to do to me.  It almost seems like he has played a cat and mouse game with me until now.  First the New Year’s Eve kiss, then the horseback ride and sunset dinner and just when I was starting to wonder if he was ever going to make a move he completely sweeps me off my feet with the Valentine’s Day date.  He is watching me walk toward him and he has this very wicked grin on his face and I want to run and jump on him.

He has the door open and as I start to get in he grabs me and pulls me toward him and kisses me with such urgency I think he is going to change his mind and take me right there.  Instead he pulls back and grabs my ponytail and pulls down forcing my head back exposing my neck to him.  He smiles again and for a split second I think he is going to grow fangs and bite into the thick part of my neck.  I can feel my pulse beating.  He puts his nose up against my neck inhaling deeply then slowly he brushes his lips on my neck muscles.  Shivers pass down my spine causing me to moan deep in my throat.

His lips find my ear and he bites my lobe and I push myself up against him and I can feel he is as turned on as I am right now. “Please Michael.”  I am begging and I don’t care.  He chuckles and continues his slow torture of my senses.  Just when I don’t think I can take it anymore he releases me and guides me into the car.  I watch him walk around to his side of the car like a cougar watching her prey before she pounces.  He has done something to me I can’t describe.  It is like a slow sexy beat of music that builds ever so slowly to that point where you want to cry out with ecstasy as it pushes you over the edge.  Yes that is what he does to me.

We are driving down a winding road and I am beginning to wonder if he is taking me back to my place when suddenly we pull off onto a dirt lane.  I have been down this scenic road so many times and I don’t ever remember there being a dirt lane here.  He gets that sly smile again and he glances my way.  The sexual tension is very high right now and I am shaking with anticipation.  The car is barely in park before he is out and around to my side of the car pulling me onto my feet.

He leads me to the front of the car.  “Put your hands on the hood of the car.”  I start to ask what he has in mind and he shakes his head.  “Just do it.”  His tone is very convincing and I turn and put my hands on the hood of the car.  “How badly do you want me right now Annie?”  He is right behind me and his hands are pulling my white tee-shirt up and over my head where it slides down my arms.  He pulls it off and lays it on the hood of the car.  The air is cooler now and I am shivering from both the air and what he is going to do to me.  “I want you Michael more than you can image.”  I can hear him groan.

“I like when you say my name.”  I can feel his fingers working on the button of my jeans and he manages to slide them down my legs before I can protest.  I am now half naked in the middle of the woods leaning over his car completely exposed.  And he is completely dressed this is so not fair.  He kneels behind me and pulls my jeans off over my ankle boots.  He runs his hands up my calves and kisses the back part of my knees and then to my thighs and finally up to my back and with two fingers my bra is now undone.  His hands slide under the bra cupping me before he slides the bra off me.

I can feel his fingers as they trail down my spine and then back up again.  All this is doing is getting me more worked up and all I want to do is turn around and kiss him.  His trace is feather light and he is touching me in all the right spots.  He is right behind me and I can feel his body against mine and I am surprised to feel his skin against mine.  When did he take off his clothes?  He still has his boxer briefs on.  “Annie turn around I want to see your beautiful face and kiss those sexy lips of yours.”  I am in his arms before he can get the whole sentence out of his mouth kissing him and pulling him down on me as I lean back against the car.

The sun is coming through the trees and the sounds of nature seem louder.  We are lying on the ground with our clothes as the only cushion between us and the hard dirt.  My leg is draped over his very muscular legs and I have my head resting on his bare chest.  I can hear his heart rate starting to come back down.  My body is pressed very closely against his and he is running his fingers through my hair.  I am pretty sure I am going to be very sore tomorrow between the car and the ground as neither one are very forgiving.  I don’t even care because right now I am in the moment with Michael and I feel like I belong here.  So why does that scare the crap out of me.