Tag Archives: love

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Twenty-Two

Posted on by under Dating scene

“My Body is Your Canvas”

As I knock on the studio door and wait for Patrick to answer I have to pinch myself.  I can’t believe I am here! I am excited for whatever his creative mind has in store for me. I’m not going to lie I was thrilled when he asked me at the bar the other night if I would pose for him. Of course my mind went straight for the naughty when he said he wanted to explore me but then he quickly corrected himself when we all looked at him and said, “Ladies please get your minds out of the gutter, this is all about art. She has these amazing lines that I must capture.”

“Annie. Hello! So glad you could make it.” Patrick is wearing faded blue jeans and a thin white t-shirt splattered with paint. He is not wearing his beanie today so his reddish brown hair is loose and wild and all I can think about is running my fingers through it. Whoa girl, slow down. “Hi Patrick. I’m excited to help you out.” As we walk into the dimly lit studio I look around and see that he has a couple of stations set up; a huge canvas on an easel sits in one corner against a white back drop and a black back drop takes up space in another corner with a tripod and camera. A single stool sits in the middle of the floor surrounded by black. “I am very happy you agreed to be my subject today. My students really enjoyed having you in class the other night as did I.” Now I am blushing and smile at him.

He looks at me with those brown eyes and I feel warmth in my belly and then my awkward side comes out and I start babbling. “I wasn’t sure what to wear so I just wore something that I could slip out of easily.” He laughs and I realize what I am saying. “No, wait. That came out wrong. I meant I wanted to give you easy access. Oh God that is worse. I am going to shut up now.” I cover my face with my hands and start to giggle. “Are you nervous?” I peek through my fingers and nod my head. “It’s ok. I will guide you and tell you exactly what I want you to do. You actually wore the right clothes for this project.” He looks over my slightly off the shoulder grey shirt and black leggings and nods approval. “Yes perfect. You don’t mind if you get paint on these do you?”

“Not at all. I figured that I might get dirty so I wore my ‘I don’t care about getting messy’ clothes.” He gives me this sly smile. Damn it I did it again. “Why don’t we start with some photographs to help you relax. You can put your stuff down on the table over there and then come sit down on the stool.” He walks away and I of course start over thinking about what I said. I must sound like an idiot.  Maria told me that he has never invited any of the models back to his studio before so that must mean something but what? I don’t know why I am so nervous. I admit it has been a while since I have dated but this isn’t a date. Is it? Sara would tell me to snap out of it and stop being so silly.

“Annie are you ready?” I shake myself out of my foolish thoughts and walk over to the stool. He directs me to sit down and turns my stool more to one side. “May I touch you so that I can place you exactly where I need you to be?” I say yes and he starts to manipulate my body by moving my shoulders and head and then tugging my sleeve down more. “I need you to drop your head back as far as you can so that I can get your collarbone to stick up more. It may be uncomfortable but it is important to hold the pose for as long as possible.” He goes behind the camera and makes some adjustments and comes back to me. “Do you have a top on under this one? I really need to have you take it off or I have to cut it to get the frame I need.”

He is so close to me I can smell his cologne and my heart skips a beat. He smells so good! Like lemon, Cedarwood and musk all rolled into one. Kind of like Michael but I stop myself before I go down that road. “I have on a bandeau top on.” He lifts my shirt and I raise my arms to allow him to pull it over my head. My hair falls loose from its side ponytail and he simply brushes it off my shoulder. His touch gives me goose bumps. “Ok so are you ready? Remember to hold the pose for as long as you can I will let you know when to relax.”

He moves behind the camera and starts clicking away. I am leaning so far back I am afraid I may fall off the stool at any moment. I feel my neck getting stiff but do my best to stay still. “Ok relax for a moment.” I pull myself forward and shake my head to loosen up. “So what exactly are you trying to capture?” He pops his head out from behind the camera. “I will show you once I take a few more shots. Are you ready?” I assume the same position and again he starts clicking away. I hear movement and suddenly feel him very close to me. “Almost done just a few more shots you are doing great.” The clicking of the camera is comforting to me. Like an eye that blinks I image the lens is taking in everything that our eyes won’t see. “And. Done. You can sit up now.” Again I stretch my neck and shake my head. “Come here and tell me what you think.”

I walk over and he has the images up on a computer screen. All I see is what looks like a sand dune captured in black and white. It takes me a few seconds to realize that what I am looking at is my collarbone and shoulder. I have no idea what he did but it is beautiful. “That’s incredible! How did you do that?” He smiles again and says “it was all you all I did was capture it. You are my muse it seems. If you are up to it I would like to sketch you next, maybe even paint you.” I smile at him and he takes me by the hand and leads me to the canvas. He positions me in front of the white back drop and goes and stands in front of the canvas. I am standing barefoot in my top and black leggings staring back at him as his eyes scan me from head to toe. It doesn’t feel right to have clothes on after posing nude for his class the other night so I pull the bandeau top over my head and let it drop to the floor. He looks up at me. I slowly push my leggings down and step out of them as well. I am now naked with my hands at my sides shaking with anticipation and excitement. I give myself a mental pat on the back for shaving before I came over and stifle a giggle.

I watch as his hands move back and forth across the canvas as he looks from me to the canvas and back to me again. Suddenly he drops his pencil and comes up to me. “I need to paint you. It is the only way I can get it right.” I kind of thought that was what he was going to do and the look of confusion on my face makes him laugh. “Sorry what I mean is I want to paint YOU. Here like this.” He has a squeeze bottle of paint and grabs my hand pulling me closer to him. I am looking into his eyes and feel the cool, wet slickness of the paint and it slides over my chest. I look down and I am covered in blue paint and he is slowly spreading it with his soft hands, his thumbs brush against my nipples and I moan. He steps back slightly and continues to move the paint over my body; his hands the brush.

My breathing comes faster as he moves his hands down my legs and then back up between them stopping just short of my pubic hair and moving his hands around to my backside and cupping my ass. The pressure of his hands is constant as he moves again over my nipples and my body responds by arching against his fingers. He moves closer and gently kisses me letting his tongue flick across my lips. I wrap my arms around him and pull his shirt up and over his head. The paint is now covering both of us as we continue to kiss slowly at first and then more urgently. His hands are in my hair as he pulls me closer to him. I am pulling at his jeans pushing them down until we are skin to skin. I close my eyes and get lost in his touch and the taste of his mouth on mine. We are touching each other trying to explore but the paint works with us as well as against us. He pulls away for a moment and takes me by the hand and leads me to another room just off of the studio. At first I think he is taking me to the bedroom but then realize we are in a large bathroom with a walk in shower. “You are a naughty girl Annie. I like it. Let’s get this paint off of you so that I can truly explore you.”

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Nineteen

Posted on by under Dating scene

http://soundcloud.com/david-mcsparron/unlucky

“Unlucky in Love”

I sit on the edge of my bed with the letter from Michael on my lap. I have read it so many times now the paper is soft from my constant touch; folding and unfolding it. I scan the words yet again though I have it memorized; I hope to see something I missed before. I push play again on my CD player. “I’m unlucky in love they tell me I’m unlucky in love they say, oh but things are gonna change.”  As the first words float through the speakers I read his letter again….

Annie,

My beautiful angel. I know how much you love music especially new artists and definitely your growing love for David McSparron. When I heard this song Unlucky I knew you would maybe understand why I am doing what I am doing. Listen to the words. You have no idea what you have done to me these past few weeks.  You’re such an amazing woman! You are beautiful, smart and funny. You are everything that I want and everything I need. But things are complicated for me. I never meant for you to fall for me or in love with me.  You deserve better than what I can give you. Like the song says I am unlucky in love. I wish I could change that right now but I can’t. I want so badly for you to understand how much you have changed me. I will never forget you and maybe someday I can explain it to you and you won’t hate me. I know you may consider me a coward or that I am running away but just listen to Unlucky and think of me.

Yours always,

Michael

I feel the tears slide down my cheeks and splatter onto the page. It is a haunting sound I realize. I flop back against the pillow and put my arm over my eyes as the tears continue to flow silently down and land softly on the pillow. Rolling onto my side I crush the letter to my chest. I look at the empty pillow next to me running my hand over the surface and close my eyes trying to remember every detail of our last encounter. His smell, his touch, his smile…….

I can tell something is wrong when he comes over. He seems agitated and his blue eyes look almost gray.  He stands there looking at me like he wants to shake me or kiss me it is hard to tell which one at the moment. “Why? Why Annie? You don’t really love me you only think you do.” I shake my head as the tears come. I hate that I am crying again over a man.  But this one is different so different that I can’t even explain it to myself. “Normally when someone tells you they love you, they don’t react this way. They say at the very least thank you or I don’t know I love you too. What the hell is going on Michael?”

He comes close to me and I step back for some reason. “Annie.” He grabs my face with both of his hands and pulls me to him kissing me softly as though we have never kissed before. His tongue is exploring my mouth as his hands slide deeper into my hair.  One hand gently pulls my hair while the other hand slides down my back. My arms are wrapped tightly around him I don’t want to let go. I feel like it may very well be the last time I am near him so I want to be lost in him completely. My hands slide down to the small of his back and I can feel his muscles underneath his t-shirt, tight and hard. I am overcome with desire for him and my kisses become more urgent. I pull at his shirt tugging it out of his jeans. Quickly I pull his shirt up over his head, locking lips with him once more.

He responds by tearing at my leggings and I hear the distinct rip as he tugs them down my thighs. Our hands are groping and grabbing and soon enough we are both naked, breathing heavy. The look in his eyes is one of urgency. It is almost animalistic and I feel it too.  I want to bite and scratch and attack him on every level. He pushes me back to the wall and grabs my arms pinning them to the wall. I don’t even know how to feel right now but it doesn’t matter at this moment.  The only thing that matters is touching and tasting, our bodies moving as one.

I groan loudly. “I want to touch you Michael. Please.” He smiles at me and shakes his head.  He has my arms pinned at the wrist with one hand and the other hand is touching me as though he is trying to memorize every part of my body. He is rough, he is gentle, as his fingers explore every part of me, making me cry out with pleasure as he sends me over the edge over and over again. My body is in overdrive now. I try to pull my arms free but he has a tight grip on my wrists. I can feel the wall bite into my skin as I try to free myself. It hurts but it feels so good too. “Please Michael. I need you now.” This comes out as a growl as I so want to pounce on him.

Suddenly he pulls me to him and lifts me up, automatically I wrap my legs around him. I can feel him against me and I move to get closer but he stops me. I try again to slide down onto him but he stops me again. I kiss him deeply as he slams himself into me making me gasp. We move as one and I have no idea how we are managing to stay upright at the moment. My eyes are closed and my head is thrown back, my back arching to meet his thrusts. My hands are gripping his shoulders and I am lost in him, his touch, his smell, his essence. Forgotten is the look of hurt and anger and maybe even fear I saw on his face when he stepped inside my bedroom.

I feel as though I am falling and realize he has moved us to the bed. He moves me up on the bed and crawls up so that he is over me. I reach up to pull him to me in desperation I can’t get enough of him. “Slow Annie, slow.” I fall back on the bed and close my eyes and try to control myself. He lowers himself down so that we are completely skin to skin now. I can feel him between my legs ready to go. “Tell me you love me Annie.  Open your beautiful eyes and look at me. I want to see you, hear you, feel you.” As he slides inside me I whisper, “I love you Michael. I do.” Tears come again but I choose not to acknowledge that. In this moment we are one. As we lay all tangled up; limbs and sheets, my head rests on his chest over his wolf tattoo, his heart beating in my ear. The knife that pierces the heart on his chest feels like it is mine as if he is wearing my pain right over his heart. I am so sleepy but I try to fight it as I am afraid that if I fall asleep he won’t be there when I wake up. “Annie, are you awake?” I nod my head slowly. “Mmmmmmm.” I feel his lips on my forehead as he kisses me. His fingers are playing with my hair and I get drowsier. As I am on the edge of sleep I hear him whisper very softly, “I love you Annie.”

A knock on the door drags me viciously back to the present. “Annie?” Sara opens the door, sees me on the bed with the letter in my hand dried tears staining my face and gives me that smile. It says that no matter how long I have trapped myself in my room or cried myself to sleep or screamed in anger she will still be my friend and listen to my heartache.  She will tell me that it will be ok and pick me back up and set me straight. Gently she takes the letter from me, folds it up and puts it on the nightstand. She lies down on the bed next to me so we are face to face our noses almost touching. “Honey I know your heart is breaking right now. I see you struggling to try to understand why but it’s not in that letter. I promise you that.”

I can feel the ugly cry coming, the one where your whole face scrunches up and your eyes swell up and your nose gets red.  I feel her arms around me as she pulls me close to her, hugging me tightly while I continue to cry for what feels like the millionth time. When my crying is only sniffles she gets up and pulls me up with her so that we are sitting with our legs crossed, knee to knee. “It has been three weeks Annie.  You need to get back to being you. Please. I miss my best friend.” I nod and wipe my eyes and nose with the bottom my shirt. “So I want you to get up, wash your face, and for god’s sake brush your teeth and shave your very hairy legs because we are going out tonight!” She holds up her hand before I can even protest. “I am not taking no for an answer. I’m gonna get you good and shitfaced tonight. Forget Michael; forget all the ones who have broken your heart. It is time to start breaking some hearts of your own.”  I find myself giggling because I know she will drag me out one way or the other. She is already in my closet pulling out clothes for me to wear.  I slide off the bed and walk to the bathroom.

Looking in the mirror I see a person I haven’t seen in a long time. My eyes are super green right now and bloodshot. I splash cold water on my face and feel my sadness turn to anger. I gave Michael my heart and he chose to stomp on it but right now in this moment I refuse to be sad any more.  Sara is standing in the doorway. “There’s my girl. I can see it in your eyes.  Use that energy to burn up the dance floor girl! Tom has already agreed to be our DD for the night so it is on like Donkey Kong! Now repeat after me; Fuck him, fucking Fucker!” She hands me a shot glass and we tap them together and throw back our shots. I smile as the liquid slides down into my belly. Fuck him. I have shed the last tear I will ever cry for him. I love him but I will not let my heart be broken again.

 

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Eighteen

Posted on by under Dating scene

“Why does Love Make Things So Complicated”

          We are standing together on the side of the road and the sounds of crickets surround us.  Leaning against him I am lost in his kiss and my heart is pounding.  I am scared and turned on at the same time.  The fear of almost coming off of the motorcycle and actually telling him that I love him has taken me to a new level.  Everything seems so clear to me.  The wind has picked up and I can hear thunder in the distance.  He pulls back and looks at me.  “You love me?”  I smile at him and touch his face.  I am afraid to speak so I nod instead.  A look comes over his face and I can’t tell if it is happiness or him being freaked out.  I realize I don’t know anything about his past lovers.  Did I just commit a big no-no?  I clear my throat.

“Listen, I am not expecting you to tell me you love me it’s just, well it was the heat of the moment.  I was scared and I was afraid of not telling you how I felt.  The way you moved on that motorcycle I have never seen that before.  There is so much I don’t know about you Michael.”  I am looking up into his eyes with the moon shining brightly in the sky and I can feel cold drops of rain fall on my upturned face.  He smiles at me and this smile is one I have not seen before….it seems sad and happy at the same time.  “Darlin, I told you that I would not let anything happen to you.”  He is looking at me so intensely I shiver for all the right reasons.  He pulls me closer and the rain drops continue to fall on my face and I am happy for this as it hides my tears.  His face is buried in my hair and he sighs.

Suddenly the sky opens up and we are quickly getting soaked as the rain comes down on us.  It is slapping against the road, the dirt, the trees making a kind of music that is erotic and sensual.  I smile at him.  He cocks his head at me and I can see he has that look that I know so well.  He takes off my jacket as he slowly kisses my lips flicking his tongue across my bottom lip and I groan with pleasure.  I pull at his jacket tugging it off him as our kissing becomes more urgent while the rain comes down harder.  He pulls me toward the bike and I am not sure at first what he wants me to do.  Down on his knees he tugs my jeans down and over my boots.  My white t-shirt is getting soaked and my pink bra is showing through.  He gets on his bike and then pulls me onto his lap so that I am straddling him.

I wrap my legs around his waist and he has me pulled close enough that I can feel the body heat coming off of us.  He pulls my hair back forcing my head back exposing my neck.  The rain splashes on my face and rolls down my cheeks, my forehead and my neck. It is cold but seems to sizzle against my hot skin.  He does this to me makes my temperature go through the roof.  Michael sinks his teeth gently into my neck and hits a certain spot that makes me cry out with pleasure.  I find that I am grinding myself against him and I grab his shirt and pull it over his head.  I want to feel his skin against me; I want to touch him to feel him as close as I can to me.

Our hands are all over each other touching and pulling at clothes trying to get skin to skin as quickly as possible.  His hands find my panties and I feel them rip as he pulls them aside.  There is urgency between us as he pulls me down on him over and over again.  I feel like I am outside of myself looking down at the two of us making love on his motorcycle on the side of the road with the full moon hanging in the sky like a secret spy watching us from a distance.  Just as he takes me over the edge he pulls me close to him and I can feel his breath on my ear as he nibbles on my lobe.  I feel so close to him right now so why do I feel like this is his way of saying goodbye?

Big Girls Don’t Cry Part Seventeen

Posted on by under Dating scene

“Dangerous Situations Make You say Crazy Things”

Splashing from the pool wakes me from my delicious dream about Michael.  I just can’t seem to ever get him out of my head.  He invades my every thought, my soul, my body.  I am lying on my stomach and crack one eye open to see Tom and Sara near the shallow end with her clinging close to his body.  We have managed to get the pool to ourselves this late in the afternoon and we are making the most of it.  Beads of sweat slowly roll off my arms and down the middle of my back.  I drop my head back down.  Between the sun and the beer I’m feeling pretty good right now.  The smell of sun tan lotion takes me back to my younger days of being at the beach all day playing in the waves and listening to music and not having a care in the world.

They are giggling and I know what that means.  “Ok you two better NOT be doing what I think you’re doing because it’s really hot and I need to jump in the water and I don’t want or need to see any body parts! I’m getting up……”  I tentatively raise my head and peek through my hair.  They are right in front of my chair dripping wet looking down at me like I have three heads.  “Honestly Annie, we aren’t always having sex you know.”  Tom can’t even say this with a straight face.

“Ooooo Sara you better get back he is gonna get struck by lightning for all that lying he’s doing right now.  Hello I live right across the hall from you two and the walls are pretty thin.  I may be permanently damaged from the jungle noises I have heard come from that room.”  Sara starts laughing at this and Tom turns a few shades of red.  Suddenly he scoops me up and throws me into the pool.  I am screaming and laughing so hard that I swallow about a gallon of water.  I come up coughing and laughing and choking all at the same time.

Tom and Sara both do cannonballs right next to me sending waves everywhere.  Yes we are a bunch of kids at times.  I swim to the floating cooler we have in the pool and grab us each a beer.  I love days like this.  I miss hanging out with Sara and Tom but Michael has kept me pretty busy these past few weeks which I really like.  I sigh thinking about all the things we have done.  “Why don’t you just call him and ask him to come over here and hang out with us?”  Sara has been dying to drill him with tons of questions about what his intentions are with me.  She worries about me getting hurt again so she is protective of me.  “I have tried but he is always busy he says when he is not with me.  He said he is working on something with the military so of course he can’t tell me anything.  And that just makes me want him even more!  Maybe he is a spy…my very own 007.”

Tom looks at both of us and sighs.  “Um, ok I think I’m gonna go back to the apartment and get…whatever so you two can do your thing and talk about him without making me uncomfortable.”  We watch him walk back toward our apartment and we both start laughing.  “Sara you better marry him!  He is not like the rest of these guys around here.”  She gives me this knowing look.  “Girl we were just talking about the big M the other night.  I am not in a hurry and neither is he.  I want to wait to see what happens with my job first.  Speaking of which have you said the L word yet?  Has he?”

I almost spit my beer out and manage to choke on it instead.  “Oh my god no!  Why would you even say that?”  Again with the look.  She knows me better than I know myself most times.  “Annie who are you kidding.  You are obviously head over heels for him.  He treats you like a queen and you are always grinning.  I mean I would be grinning too with all the crazy places you two have sex.  The man took you to the museum and had all your favorite artists on display and he seduced you under the stars, I mean who does that?”  I splash her to hide the fact that my face is turning red and I hate when she is right.  I do really like him but do I love him?  I don’t even want to admit it to myself let alone my best friend.

“I, well, I don’t know.  How I feel about him.”  I look at her and grin.  I am never at a loss for words so this is serious.  I swim over to get another beer out of the cooler.  It is empty so I grab it and take it the edge and pull myself up and out of the water.  “Annie.”  I look back at Sara and she is looking in the parking lot.  I follow her stare and there he is.  He is sitting on a suede black and chrome trim Harley Davidson Road King looking at me with that smile of his.  It’s like a wolf grin and I don’t ever know what he is thinking when I see that look.  Ok I know exactly what he is thinking and it makes me tingle. Everywhere.

I am dripping wet, no make-up on, and he is looking at me like I am the most beautiful creature in the world.  I walk along the fence and admire him as I go.  He is dressed in a black leather form fitting jacket, dark blue jeans with black leather chaps and black motorcycle boots.  He has on black leather gloves and has his helmet sitting in front of him.  I want to climb the fence and throw myself into his arms and smell the leather on him.  Instead I smile shyly at him and walk toward him as calmly as possible.  I feel his eyes on me the whole time.  My heart is thudding in my chest as well as other places.  This is what he does to me.

I can hear the leather crack as he leans in and kisses me.  I breathe him in and it makes me intoxicated, more than any alcohol can do.  He touches my hair and then my shoulder and lets his hand slide down my arm.  His gloved hand gives me goose bumps.  “I finished early and thought I would surprise you with a ride.”  I look into those light blue eyes and grab his face and pull him to me.  “I like your kind of surprises Michael.”  I kiss him deeply and taste mint on his tongue.  He groans and breaks our kiss while still holding me tightly to him.

“You are risking me taking you out of that wet yellow bikini right here if you aren’t careful.  You are wet and practically naked and you smell like coconut oil so I cannot guarantee that I can behave as I should.”  I giggle at this for some reason.  He looks past me, “hi Sara.”  She waves back.  “Hi Michael.  Do you want to join us for a swim?”  His eyes linger over my body and he grunts under his breath.  “Maybe next time.  I was hoping to take Annie for a ride this evening.”  Eyes back on me now.  “Well?”  I look back at Sara who gives me the move along wave.  “Sure can I take a quick shower?  We have been here all day so I smell like chlorine and suntan lotion.

“Of course angel though I do love the way you smell right now.  We may not make it out of your room if you stay in those clothes.”  I give him a quick kiss on the lips.  “Tease.”  I walk back to the pool and I am grinning like a fool.  “Annie you are in L-O-V-E!”  Crap.  What if I am?  What does this mean?  Does he feel the same way?  He is the first guy I have really fallen for in so long.  I should be happy but I am freaking out instead.

*******

          I am sitting on the back of his motorcycle holding onto to him tightly as the evening air rushes through my helmet.  There are so many things to look at I feel like my head should be on a swivel.  He gave me all the tips before we started and I am trying my hardest to remember everything he said.  The sun has dipped below the trees and the back roads he has chosen are peaceful with no other cars in sight.  I peek at the speedometer and see we are doing at least 75 on the straightaways.  We have been riding for a couple of hours and he has taken me down so many roads I had no clue even existed.  The moon has come out now and is full and bright.

I keep looking up at the moon.  He pats my leg and points up to the moon.  I smile and give him the thumbs up showing him I am looking.  I have loosened my grip on him now as I feel more comfortable.  The brightness from the moon is drawing me in so much that I want to reach out and touch it that is how close it feels to me.  I can see everything, the trees, the cows in the pastures and the deer on the side of the road.  I can only hear the wind as it rushes past us and I am lost in this moment.  I let go of him completely and rest my hands on my thighs as I lean back against the small back rest.  I think the moon is hypnotizing me.  My heart feels so happy right now in this moment and I feel it in every part of me.  He has done this to me, made me feel happiness again.

Suddenly I feel his whole body tighten up and he down shifts rapidly which forces me forward and I almost crack my helmet against his.  I am not holding on and I can feel my weight shift as he swerves quickly to the right and then to the left but my body wants to keep going right.  I panic for a moment because I have nothing to keep me from falling off the bike. Immediately I squeeze my thighs against him and grab a handful of leather.  My heart is pounding and I am trying to stay calm.  Finding my balance I wrap my arms around his waist.  I see two deer run swiftly into the grass and realize they were the reason he reacted so quickly.

He continues to slow down and we pull off the side of the road.  He turns off the motorcycle and I know we are stopped and I am ok but I refuse to loosen my grip on him.  He gets my hands free and taps my leg for me to get off.  I am shaking and as I swing my leg over I know that I am going to have jelly legs.  I try to stand and end up doing a kind of squat sit on the hard dirt before falling back onto my bottom.  My fingers are shaking as I try franticly to get the helmet off my head.  “Anne.  Annie!”  I look up at Michael and he seems so composed.  “Stop.  Give yourself a minute.”  This comes out muffled because my heart is screaming in my ears and all I can hear is this whimpering sound then I realize it is coming from me.

He squats down in front of me and undoes my helmet and pulls it over my head.  Hot tears are streaming down my face as he pulls me to my feet.  He has pulled his gloves off and is wiping my tears away.  “It’s ok, it’s ok.  We are still in one piece.”  I can’t stop crying which makes me cry even harder.  “I thought.  I thought.  I wasn’t paying attention like you told me to.  I’m sorry.”  I am pacing back and forth now that the adrenalin has kicked in.

“I was thinking about you and how much I love you and when I was slipping I thought I was gonna come right off the bike and then I would never get to tell you how I feel and I…”  I stop.  Shit. I just said the L word. He is looking at me and I can’t read his face.  He comes toward me and pulls me to him kissing me so deeply I feel it in every part of my body.  “You love me?”